Focus takes energy...(or "Going to school all day is not my bag")
Just yesterday, my pre-teen did exactly the thing he wasn’t supposed to do. Twice. Before lunch.
Focus is not my superpower these days.
On the way to preschool one day (years ago), my 3-year-old asked me to relay a message to his teacher, whom he loved: “Could you tell my teacher that going to school all day is just not my bag?” Sure, bud, I’ll relay the message. I feel you.
What if "pay attention" and "follow directions" are skills our kids have lost hold of through an 18-month cycle of partial-school, home-a-lot, screens-as-babysitters, stress soup?
Just yesterday, my pre-teen did exactly the thing he wasn’t supposed to do. Twice. Before lunch.
I've talked with several parents this week who are worried: What will kids' behavior look like as they rejoin the wider world?
They are starting Kindergarten...or first grade (!) without a Kindergarten year (at all!)...going into 5th with 3rd grade math skills...embarking on middle school with a 6th grade gap. Children who have "welcomed" siblings in the course of the pandemic are still adjusting to the role of being a big sibling...while having their preschool years interrupted, abrupt goodbyes, missing out on socializing, and no practice separating from parents. No wonder they're struggling to manage themselves.
As we lean into the tail-end of summer, parents I work with are wondering: "How do I help my child prepare for school?"
"What do we do about our kids' worries when we have them, too?!"
Here's what's fueling worries and stealing our focus.
As we navigate our social environment and tasks of daily life, we are continually assessing and responding to cues of safety & support vs. challenge & change--our nervous systems are scanning for clues about how each present-moment experience relates to our expectations.
We can generally boil down challenges we encounter to four key themes. I learned them as the 4 Essential Threats. And they are so powerful that we don't even need to be consciously aware of them to affect us.
The “Unknown”
Incongruence
Unmet Expectations / “Shoulds”
Risk of harm to physical or emotional safety
When we perceive any of these potential upsets in an environment or relationship, they read as a threat to our system, prompting our attention and our body--our focus and our physiology--to respond. In that moment, in order to not fly off the handle...
We have to be self-aware, register & resist bodily impulses, predict consequences, feel connected, and manage our emotions so we:
Don't yank the remote control away and bonk our partner with it
Don't run screaming from the room when bedtime takes too long
Don't start a fist-fight when someone cuts in line at the grocery
Don't email the teacher 20 times before the school year starts
Holding off on those impulses, especially in the wake of the year(s) we've just had, takes A LOT of executive function and higher-level brain power. COVID has zapped our stress sensors. Because every one of those 4 Essential Threats has been steadily present for months.
Unmet Expectations
Incongruence
Risk to Safety
The Unknown
Every. Single. One.
Our coping skills have been worn threadbare.
caption for image
So I have empathy for every stressed out parent I know. I am one. And still, I have to make an effort to find empathy when my kid's behavior shows their coping skills are fraying.
I am practicing what I preach with parents in my groups. I am making an intentional effort to limit social media, prioritize movement, see friends, eat more fruit (watermelon with feta & honey, oh my!), and apologize when I mess up or misunderstand. Because these are things that help me think well, feel connected, find energy, and tap into my good thinking.
Maybe this invites your own self-compassion.
Just for a moment: stop comparing your stress to others' worries and notice that you're feeling the intensity, without qualifying it. Your stress affects you. Period.
Maybe there's frustration.
So much is frustrating about parenting in a pandemic and trying to plan for a school year that remains unpredictable.
All your reactions make sense. We humans are adaptors. Stress requires us to respond. But our support systems are stressed, too.
Just for this weekend, I'm trying an experiment. You're invited to join me.
Try swapping "You're freaking out" to "You're having a hard time." Take a deep breath.
Trade "This is ridiculous" for "No wonder you're upset." Deep breath.
Still truly flummoxed by big behaviors? Take a breath FIRST. If you really must say something, try my all-purpose favorite: "Wow!"
This changes how our kids feel us showing up. If we join them in fight, flight, or freeze every time they go off-track...we're reinforcing the threat signals.
We have to build in breaks. That's how our kids catch a breath: They borrow from us.
Six resources for talking about race with kids
A tiny nest of baby hummingbirds is perched just outside my window. Umpteen times a day, the mama bird zooms in and out of the giant old rhododendron, with a flurry of tweets & calls, listening for her babies to signal their exact location, tucked behind a screen of leaves. It's a joy to watch them reconnect over and over! Their protected nest and daily reunions feel especially encouraging right now.
It's a parental instinct to protect our children.
As recent news has spot-lighted a rise in hate crimes and racially-charged violence, it's important to acknowledge how we're talking about these events with one another and our kids.
We must keep talking about it.
Taking in the news is not an endpoint; nor is this painful surge a new thread of violence in the U.S. The media are only covering the most egregious of these events. Certainly, BIPOC parents have been equipping children with survival skills for detection and protection in racist systems for generations.
Racism is a toxic tangle that shapes and harms us all.
It's neither just nor functional for only some families in our community to have conversations with children about this reality. In the current civil rights era, White community and family leaders are being called into the arena with more visibility and being asked to bring more humility.
I acknowledge with gratitude the Black, Latinx, and AAPI parents and colleagues I've learned from and alongside about the implicit biases of many of our systems of care. I value the feedback about what needs updating and re-wording in my own parent education and therapy toolbox. If you're a White parent and not sure how or where to start talking with kids about race--this is a clear invitation to join the conversations already in action. If you're raising or teaching young people of color, they are finding themselves in the eye of these dynamics already.
Here are some community leaders guiding parents to dig in, actively reflect, and encourage one another--bravely engaging in social repair, positive racial identity development, and raising conscious kids:
1) My friends & colleagues at Adoption Mosaic host a 6-week Transracial Parenting workshop and an AAPI adoptee specific resource page
2) Mercedes Samudio of Shame-Proof Parenting shared an excellent panel on Having uncomfortable conversations with your kids: Talking about race and racism
3) The Conscious Kid lists beautiful picture books featuring diverse protagonists and empowering narratives
4) Motherhood So White, by Nefirtiti Austin, is the memoir of a Black adoptive mother that I just started reading; she paints a picture of how race, class, and child welfare get tangled in White-normative expectations, and how she's teaching her Black children to thrive
5) Hand in Hand Parenting supports parents all over the world in building Listening Partnerships to unpack our assumptions and repair disconnection; Chantal Harrison is a South African-Australian mama declaring Parents need to talk about race early and often
6) Alexandra Loves is a Portland-local anti-racist educator teaching wholehearted skills for combatting oppression from a shame-free, culturally-aware, spiritual empowerment perspective. I participated in her Moms & Race course and am incorporating the tools she's sharing as regular self check-ins and mindfulness practices to fuel sustained activism
Maybe you have plenty of books on your to-read list.
Maybe you need more practical tools to guide challenging conversations.
And maybe you're so awakened or battered by these dynamics that you have to pace yourself, taking breaks to seek joy and rest, so you can "keep on keepin' on"--my Nana's phrase for remembering what matters.
I just want you to know: You don't have to figure it out on your own. You don't have to stand up and speak out and protect your & our children alone.
We are building a community that supports these conversations and conscious parenting choices.
I'm incorporating them into my Raising Family Resilience series. The intention has been there all along. And one of my big lessons from concentrated anti-racist work and unlearning has been: Good intention is not enough.
I'm continuing to expand the tools I teach and amplifying diverse voices to help build our collective parenting toolboxes. We've got to get and stay curious about how power-over, win-lose, reward & punishment dynamics in raising children contributes to the harm we're seeing unfold.
We must be explicit in our critical consciousness and values of anti-oppression.
We must speak directly about inequity, privilege, and social justice. We must have these conversations with all of our kids, so they can continue them with one another.
In another week or so, the hummingbird babies will start to fly. Watch for them out your window; the next generation is taking off right before our eyes!
Photo credit :: José Luis Fuentes, Unsplash
limits light the way
A lot has happened this year that felt unpredictable, chaotic, and overwhelming. The word “unprecedented” has become a shorthand for the rolling encounters with one challenge after another. This persistent state of not knowing what to expect has taken a toll. It’s no wonder play therapists are getting more requests to support kids with anxiety, sleep issues, toileting problems, and frequent meltdowns. Given all the loss, fear, violence, extreme weather, and health scares of the past year, it makes sense that our nervous systems have learned to stay on-alert. We’re scanning for a clear signal that it’s safe to let our guards down. All that’s “unknown” can spark BIG feelings and a spike in coping (ahem--off-track behaviors) to match!
Shutting down the upset or intensity often just delays the eruption...it's likely to come out sideways as irritability, defiance, withdrawal, procrastination, aggression…you get the idea.
As a play therapist, parent coach, and parent of a pre-teen, I have to keep my engagement and de-escalation skills polished! As a gesture of solidarity, I'm sharing a few strategies I use for setting limits & gaining cooperation in the playroom (and at my house); proper credit extended to my clients, fellow parents, and my own kid, for sharing your wisdom and showing me how to support you better.
"Show me another way." Translation: I get it, you're mad, but I don't have to hurt or be yelled at to understand. If you need to mix in some other phrases, keep it brief; focus on establishing safety, bringing down the temperature, and returning to your own regulation: "I hear you." "You're really angry [frustrated, annoyed], I get it." "We can figure this out." "Let's find something else to (bite, hit, push, squeeze)."
One limit at a time. It's tempting to make all the moments teachable ones...but they just can't listen to that much wisdom. How do you dodge the trap of cascading limits? Just pick one! Example: Brush your teeth. Simple, 2 minutes, known routine. Just do it. You may need to let some other pieces go. If you also insist that they do it now, without reminders, in the bathroom, standing still, using the electric toothbrush not the manual one, with not-too-much toothpaste, rinse down their foamy spit like a civilized person, not touch their sibling or the toilet, without splattering the mirror...you may need to refocus your efforts. What is the #1 most important goal? Teeth that don't rot is a good one. Let the rest go today.
Take a breath. This seems basic, but it's HUGE. Taking an intentional breath in and letting it out slowly tells your brain and body: This is not an emergency. Noticing your own activation is a chance to regain your steering capacity. Simply put, a few deep breaths can create space for letting go of tension, easing intensity, or just buy you time to think better. When we get stressed or anxious, our brains respond with stress hormones to help us recover--or prepare to escape danger! When you take a deep breath, endorphins (feel better hormones) increase, your heart rate downshifts, increased oxygen is carried into your blood, and your brain gets the message that you're (essentially) safe. Reliable oxygen helps us relax. This helps us communicate safety to those around us. Kids cooperate more when they feel safe.
Limits are for you, not just your kids! Limits define our capacity—how much we can handle without freaking out—and structure our return to regulation. Kids need clear expectations to help them steer; parents need boundaries to not feel constantly overwhelmed. Kids need us to be regulated, so they can borrow our capacity and judgment. Limits alone won’t protect you from becoming dysregulated…but they’ll help you find your way back. Think of limits as the glowing strips of LED lights that shine the path to safety, so we don’t veer too far into chaos or rigidity. This middle path, say the authors of The Whole-Brain Child, is the definition of mental health; minding the boundaries of our “river of well-being” is how we find our way back when we’re flooded. Limits are lovely. They’re not just for kids. Limits keep YOU afloat, so you can provide safe harbor and help them recover when they run aground.
May you find the steady ground you need to be a lighthouse for your child. Shine, limit-keeper, shine!
What helps you catch your breath?
Our breathing is a pretty good barometer of how we're feeling. Is it shallow or deep? Coming in smooth or choppy? Our rhythm reflects our stress.
“The pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.”
- Rumi
After seven months at home ALL the days, it’s gotten tough to hold a big-picture perspective. I finally wandered out of my daily orbit for a few days on the Oregon Coast. I really underestimated how much I needed a break. My nervous system relaxed and released a palpable tension. It felt like my brain had been washed! Breathing, indeed, feels much better now.
Stress feels "stressful" because it floods us with intensity. When that intensity is prolonged, it zaps our attention + capacity to meet our basic needs. We lose track of how much fresh, oxygenated blood our brains need to think well and return us to calm. We forget to take breaks. I forget there are other foods beyond bread + cheese. Sleep gets all screwy.
Losing track of our own needs makes it WAY harder to help our kids.
With COVID & Co., there aren't a lot of built-in breaks. Many of our daily rhythms and structure have fallen away. And breathing room is tough to come by. Some days it feels like there's not enough oxygen for everyone in the room. That sense of scarcity is a clue that overwhelm is creeping in.
We have to seek out opportunities to rest + reset.
How can we hold more peace in our bodies more of the time? Even when things are hard. Even when we can’t get away?
I've been reflecting on how to make these moments of palpable relief more available...less fleeting. As much as it appeals, I can’t go to the beach every week. But I’m bringing back a few portable strategies to share.
4-square breathing
Inhale through your nose, silently count to 4
Hold the breath, count of 4
Exhale through your mouth, count of 4
Pause, count of 4
Repeat 3 times (4 total). I'll wait.
Let your breathing return to normal. You've got this.
Now that you’re thinking well and reconnected to yourself: Let’s set some limits…with children, co-workers, whomever you like. Because you have needs, too.
listen. limit. listen.
3-step limits: Listen. Limit. Listen.
Observe to determine what limit is needed. Breathe. Notice the other person’s posture, intensity, or lack of eye contact. Note the fussing, pleading, insistence ramping up. Theirs or yours? Breathe. Feel your feet on the ground. What is your goal? What do they need? Can you allow them space to continue, or is a limit needed?
Bring the Limit. A gentle “no, thanks,” may be all it takes. Tune into your gaze, voice, posture. Breathe. Can you move in closer, kneel down between bickering siblings, or put a hand on the book that’s about to be thrown? What if you interrupt with over-the-top humor—or an impromptu compliment? Can you try something different?
Expect pushback. Breathe through it. And hold the limit calmly. “I know, you hate brushing teeth, but it’s time.” "It is stinky, so let’s get it over with quick!” “That sounds like a real pickle. I can offer X in Y minutes.” “That would be fun this afternoon. Right now, task A needs our attention.”
2 walks a day: short ones, blast-the-hills hikes, dog training ambles...they all count. Movement does wonders for breaking up sluggish days, frustration, and stuck-ness. Moving brings your breath into a new rhythm.
One yoga mat. A few minutes. A few breaths.
I keep a yoga mat in my bedroom: I hop on it first thing in the morning for 5-7 minutes of gentle stretching. Just to get this stay-home party started.
I'm definitely struggling with how much to expect, from myself and my child during these wacky days. I figure, a few minutes of listening to my body is the least I can do. And some days it feels like the most I can possibly muster.
Today I'm not going to worry about it. I'm signing off here to take a walk on the beach. My kid and I will both feel better for it.
What will help you walk right up to the edge of the Earth (I like to think of beaches this way) and dangle your toes for a few minutes—instead of using all your might to hold back the inevitable waves?
The waves will keep coming.
Our power lies in giving ourselves space to bend at the knees, so we don’t get pushed over by every shift in turbulence. We can build our resilience one breath at a time. Even as the wind blows in our faces.
“There are always waves on the water. Sometimes they are big, sometimes they are small, and sometimes they are almost imperceptible. The water’s waves are churned up by the winds, which come and go and vary in direction and intensity, just as do the winds of stress and change in our lives, which stir up the waves in our minds.”
Big Behavior Needs an Outlet
Helping our kids engage and regulate through challenges is no small feat. Six essential tasks can help them get back on track.
Energy Flows in Channels: A goal of growing up is to accumulate tools + strategies to handle life. School is intended to present children with a series of increasing problems & opportunities, so they can put their growing skills to use. We can teach them to regulate with our help, at first, and modeling options to sooth themselves: breath, movement, fidgets, snuggles, food. This helps them notice what regulation looks and feels like in their bodies when they’re connected. This offers them a map to return back to us, and back to themselves.
Whole Brain Learning. Consider that a child who feels connected and regulated is in a better position to tolerate requests and take healthy risks. Taking good care of their bodies and emotions helps set them up for better learning. Snacks, morning exercise, GoNoodle—all help their brain + body connect to learning.
Be Kind to Their Developing Mind: Our brains grow bottom-up + inside-out. Body regulation is mapped in utero, so our relational brain can take priority during preschool + elementary years, and problem-solving + logic capacities can continue into young adulthood. We are their external regulators. They need our help to focus, manage transitions, and harness their working memory. We can’t expect them to navigate regulation independently. They need structure and help with breaks and time management; “independent” work time may need to be “co-working” with parents nearby.
Daily Rhythm: Organize your family energy around what matters most. Get clear on your values, goals, stabilizing routines, and things that bring you joy! These can help build a daily/weekly rhythm with space to show up for yourself + your child’s needs in sustainable ways. You can increase their stamina by making things as predictable as possible. Consider sensory regulation + physical outlets essential, not extra. Make transitions mindful + predictable. Front-load tasks requiring focus + attention by scheduling in physical movement and connection beforehand.
Outlets for Energy: Invite kids to connect with you and re-regulate their bodies several times a day through exercise (trampoline, foot races, hauling laundry baskets, raking leaves) or rough’n’tumble play. Look for ways your child is already trying to regulate themselves: spinning, crashing into furniture, chewing gum, twisting hair; these are brilliant sensory regulation strategies! When they run out of tried and true favorites, you can build a Break it Box! —> fill a cardboard box with things to break, stomp, crush, smash, twist & crumple —> paper towel/toilet paper tubes, egg cartons, bubble wrap, newspaper!
Managing Meltdowns: Help them off-load what they can’t handle on their own.
Talk less. Just say “I’m here” “I’ve got you” “this is hard;” save teachable moments for later
Special Time, 10min, every other day —> undivided attention, 1:1, let them lead
Prioritize your own support. Call a friend, journal, take a solo walk, make art, vent your frustration with someone besides your child. Your perspective and feelings matter; sharing and releasing them makes you more available for your kids.
High-contact physical play releases endorphins + organizes our senses. Belly laughter is a sign you’re on the right track!
Pause. Most behaviors are not an emergency. Lower your voice, soften your gaze, and breathe deeply. Maybe sit down on the floor. Check in with your own regulation before responding.
“We are our kids’ external regulators. They look to us to help them orient, anchor, and forge ahead.”
We're Raising Resilience Right Now
We're managing a lot right now.
The charged energy of this season has brought a high level of tension--big worries for many of us, along with wishes for things to be different.
Naming it can help us take stock: There is uncertainty all around us. We are sensing the combined influence of the pandemic, racial tensions and social justice efforts, a contentious election season, the incongruence of online school, and wildfires across the West. With uncertainty comes a sense of threat, unpredictability, and fogginess about what's on the other side of all this upheaval.
It makes sense to feel worried. We've never been here before. There is no road map for 2020. And yet...
Our kids count on us to help anchor them.
There are some things you can do…
Breathe through it…Truly. Take a long, slow inhale through your nose. Hold it for a count of 3. And firmly exhale. Again: Breath in...1,2,3...Hold...1,2,3...Let it out...1,2,3. Do this 3 times. More oxygen means better thinking. Better thinking means a chance to choose your response. Each breath brings an opportunity to choose your response.
Push! Pull! Press! Pound! Move your hands. Make a mess. Mix it up. Create something that wasn't there when you started. You have the power to make things happen. You have everything you need in This.One.Moment. You're not in charge of everything else.
Let your body talk to you…10 minutes of stretching can reset your brain. Tip your head side to side. Reach overhead. Round your back like a Halloween cat. Wake up the connection from your mind to your muscles. Welcome back to yourself!
Self-Snuggle: Cross your arms over your chest like a genie-in-a-bottle; take turns firmly squeezing each bicep. Back and forth, left side, right side. You're telling your body: "I'm here, I'm alive, I feel myself." Tuning in takes effort sometimes, especially when energy is low and slow. When we're numb, we don't know how we feel. And it's even harder for our kids to feel us. Pausing long enough to listen is key.
When we slow down, we can be present for them.
And that's when they can show us how much they're struggling.
Kids are smart. They'll figure out how to show us they need something, one way or another. But it takes us slowing down to be able to really get it. Otherwise, we’re likely to blow right past “bad behavior” without noticing the need that’s fueling it…so tangles keep popping up again and again!
Off-track behavior shows you when they feel stressed, disconnected, and don't know what to do. Expect it.
Kids who are regulated, feel connected (and know what to do) behave well.
~ Robyn Gobbel, trauma therapist
We can't take the hard moments away. But we can balance them out with deep breaths, daily movement, tangible tasks--making food, walking the dog, building LEGOs--and taking time for rest. This is how we teach them regulation and coping skills.
Do one thing today that feels good to you. One small thing.
This helps build a daily rhythm including moments of connection with yourself. Kids learn from seeing how we handle hard things. We are their barometers for stress. Even when the world outside our windows is on fire, we are a powerful point of reference; we inform how they respond. We’re not in charge of their reactions. But we are in charge of our own.
Our own response to stress matters, because our kids will struggle mightily to feel safe, if we’re not available to anchor them.
How can you anchor yourself right now?
Sending you deep breaths, encouragement to rest, and permission to eat popcorn for dinner! You know, if that feels good. Thank you for taking a moment to be here with yourself.
Got time for three deep breaths before you get back to your kids? They need it as much as you do.
Parenting Communicates Our ANti-racist Values
Support for the Essential Work of Parenting
How we raise our children shapes who they will be as adults. This is not a new awareness. But it matters deeply.
Anti-racist practices and non-violent communication convey our values to our children. When we affirm the worthiness of these practices, we reflect their value in the broader community. We cultivate our inner voice by expanding the range of voices we value. How we speak to our children becomes their inner voice. When kids don’t see themselves reflected positively—or at all—in picture books, media, teachers’ faces, and public spaces—the message is one of rejection, not embrace. We build their resilience, and our own, by amplifying leaders, artists, mentors, educators, other parents and community members who prioritize social justice, civil rights, non-violence, and compassionate communities.
Consider tapping into these folks, who've been doing this work for some time:
Black books matter :: Celebrating Black Boys :: The Conscious Kid
Race & Child Development :: Melanie Chung Sherman, therapist & transracial adoptee
Hand in Hand Parenting :: Parenting to reduce racism, sexism, homophobia, and other forms of hate
Helping kids develop healthy political views :: Mercedes Samudio, therapist + parent coach
How bodies hold + heal racialized trauma :: Resmaa Menekam, therapist, author & trauma specialist
Adoption Mosaic :: transracial parenting support :: Astrid Castro, author, speaker & transracial adoptee
We're being called to a threshold in this moment of activism for racial justice. On one side, there is ignorance about the ripple effects of racism and oppression. We are past that point. On the other side, there’s collaboration and solidarity toward reform. We are glimpsing some of that light from here. I’d like to draw your attention to the Messy Middle—where we're struggling with the intensity of visible abuse, greater awareness, activism, and a visceral global response.
To move out of the messy middle, we have to gather a conscious momentum, shifting the needle from status quo to active practices of non-violence. Old cultural assumptions and hierarchies--our hand-me-down compass & guidebook--are broken. We didn’t invent them, but we need to update them.
We have to spend time in the messy middle. It’s where we have space to hear each other, where we adjust what we’ve come to accept. Let’s acknowledge the sense of fear and overwhelm. We can’t wish those feelings away. They belong here. They are our teachers and our gut check.
Substantial change won’t be tidy, orderly or predictable. But a reset will touch us all. Our communities will find a new set point, and our children will carry forward the values we demonstrate in these surges of social change. With any grace, they will continue to shape cultural shifts that better support them and their neighbors through generations to come.
We must equip them with the skills to carry on, modeling how to sit with uncertainty and unwieldy questions. We must help them see and hear one another, reserving space and judgment, as their integrity grows with them. We must equip them to live in bodies that can digest and make use of trauma, tension, and protective instincts.
This is a moment of crisis. But it's not new. This moment calls for stamina, vision, and tender care.
I am here to support you in raising children who are proud and confident in who they are, with empathy for others and self-compassion. I’m here to back you up, taking care of yourself, your children, your neighbors, your clients, and your tender heart. I’m here to listen as you sort out what you think and how you feel, and what you want to share with your children. So you can keep going. So we all can keep going.
What's Your Child's Love Language?
Love Languages
You're in the same boat with parents around the world right now. Maybe you're schooling at home or hunkering down and trying to work...or both. It's a lot to manage. It's OK to take breaks.
We're all trying to stay afloat in a big sea of stress. And our kids can feel it.
When you're together with them all the time, it can be challenging to manage the flow of attention and energy--especially when we don't know how long this Stay At Home rollercoaster is going to last.
And that's why we need to practice just riding the wave. Honestly. It doesn't get easier when we fight it. I've tried.
So, instead of doubling down on homework and eating *way* too much bread, I sat down in the yard and recorded a video for you.
In this clip, watch for:
5 Love Languages children crave
how to turn complaints into a Connection Sandwich
a new use for those empty Easter eggs
Remember to breathe. And look for tulips ; )