Focus takes energy...(or "Going to school all day is not my bag")
Focus is not my superpower these days.
On the way to preschool one day (years ago), my 3-year-old asked me to relay a message to his teacher, whom he loved: “Could you tell my teacher that going to school all day is just not my bag?” Sure, bud, I’ll relay the message. I feel you.
What if "pay attention" and "follow directions" are skills our kids have lost hold of through an 18-month cycle of partial-school, home-a-lot, screens-as-babysitters, stress soup?
Just yesterday, my pre-teen did exactly the thing he wasn’t supposed to do. Twice. Before lunch.
I've talked with several parents this week who are worried: What will kids' behavior look like as they rejoin the wider world?
They are starting Kindergarten...or first grade (!) without a Kindergarten year (at all!)...going into 5th with 3rd grade math skills...embarking on middle school with a 6th grade gap. Children who have "welcomed" siblings in the course of the pandemic are still adjusting to the role of being a big sibling...while having their preschool years interrupted, abrupt goodbyes, missing out on socializing, and no practice separating from parents. No wonder they're struggling to manage themselves.
As we lean into the tail-end of summer, parents I work with are wondering: "How do I help my child prepare for school?"
"What do we do about our kids' worries when we have them, too?!"
Here's what's fueling worries and stealing our focus.
As we navigate our social environment and tasks of daily life, we are continually assessing and responding to cues of safety & support vs. challenge & change--our nervous systems are scanning for clues about how each present-moment experience relates to our expectations.
We can generally boil down challenges we encounter to four key themes. I learned them as the 4 Essential Threats. And they are so powerful that we don't even need to be consciously aware of them to affect us.
The “Unknown”
Incongruence
Unmet Expectations / “Shoulds”
Risk of harm to physical or emotional safety
When we perceive any of these potential upsets in an environment or relationship, they read as a threat to our system, prompting our attention and our body--our focus and our physiology--to respond. In that moment, in order to not fly off the handle...
We have to be self-aware, register & resist bodily impulses, predict consequences, feel connected, and manage our emotions so we:
Don't yank the remote control away and bonk our partner with it
Don't run screaming from the room when bedtime takes too long
Don't start a fist-fight when someone cuts in line at the grocery
Don't email the teacher 20 times before the school year starts
Holding off on those impulses, especially in the wake of the year(s) we've just had, takes A LOT of executive function and higher-level brain power. COVID has zapped our stress sensors. Because every one of those 4 Essential Threats has been steadily present for months.
Unmet Expectations
Incongruence
Risk to Safety
The Unknown
Every. Single. One.
Our coping skills have been worn threadbare.
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So I have empathy for every stressed out parent I know. I am one. And still, I have to make an effort to find empathy when my kid's behavior shows their coping skills are fraying.
I am practicing what I preach with parents in my groups. I am making an intentional effort to limit social media, prioritize movement, see friends, eat more fruit (watermelon with feta & honey, oh my!), and apologize when I mess up or misunderstand. Because these are things that help me think well, feel connected, find energy, and tap into my good thinking.
Maybe this invites your own self-compassion.
Just for a moment: stop comparing your stress to others' worries and notice that you're feeling the intensity, without qualifying it. Your stress affects you. Period.
Maybe there's frustration.
So much is frustrating about parenting in a pandemic and trying to plan for a school year that remains unpredictable.
All your reactions make sense. We humans are adaptors. Stress requires us to respond. But our support systems are stressed, too.
Just for this weekend, I'm trying an experiment. You're invited to join me.
Try swapping "You're freaking out" to "You're having a hard time." Take a deep breath.
Trade "This is ridiculous" for "No wonder you're upset." Deep breath.
Still truly flummoxed by big behaviors? Take a breath FIRST. If you really must say something, try my all-purpose favorite: "Wow!"
This changes how our kids feel us showing up. If we join them in fight, flight, or freeze every time they go off-track...we're reinforcing the threat signals.
We have to build in breaks. That's how our kids catch a breath: They borrow from us.