limits light the way
A lot has happened this year that felt unpredictable, chaotic, and overwhelming. The word “unprecedented” has become a shorthand for the rolling encounters with one challenge after another. This persistent state of not knowing what to expect has taken a toll. It’s no wonder play therapists are getting more requests to support kids with anxiety, sleep issues, toileting problems, and frequent meltdowns. Given all the loss, fear, violence, extreme weather, and health scares of the past year, it makes sense that our nervous systems have learned to stay on-alert. We’re scanning for a clear signal that it’s safe to let our guards down. All that’s “unknown” can spark BIG feelings and a spike in coping (ahem--off-track behaviors) to match!
Shutting down the upset or intensity often just delays the eruption...it's likely to come out sideways as irritability, defiance, withdrawal, procrastination, aggression…you get the idea.
As a play therapist, parent coach, and parent of a pre-teen, I have to keep my engagement and de-escalation skills polished! As a gesture of solidarity, I'm sharing a few strategies I use for setting limits & gaining cooperation in the playroom (and at my house); proper credit extended to my clients, fellow parents, and my own kid, for sharing your wisdom and showing me how to support you better.
"Show me another way." Translation: I get it, you're mad, but I don't have to hurt or be yelled at to understand. If you need to mix in some other phrases, keep it brief; focus on establishing safety, bringing down the temperature, and returning to your own regulation: "I hear you." "You're really angry [frustrated, annoyed], I get it." "We can figure this out." "Let's find something else to (bite, hit, push, squeeze)."
One limit at a time. It's tempting to make all the moments teachable ones...but they just can't listen to that much wisdom. How do you dodge the trap of cascading limits? Just pick one! Example: Brush your teeth. Simple, 2 minutes, known routine. Just do it. You may need to let some other pieces go. If you also insist that they do it now, without reminders, in the bathroom, standing still, using the electric toothbrush not the manual one, with not-too-much toothpaste, rinse down their foamy spit like a civilized person, not touch their sibling or the toilet, without splattering the mirror...you may need to refocus your efforts. What is the #1 most important goal? Teeth that don't rot is a good one. Let the rest go today.
Take a breath. This seems basic, but it's HUGE. Taking an intentional breath in and letting it out slowly tells your brain and body: This is not an emergency. Noticing your own activation is a chance to regain your steering capacity. Simply put, a few deep breaths can create space for letting go of tension, easing intensity, or just buy you time to think better. When we get stressed or anxious, our brains respond with stress hormones to help us recover--or prepare to escape danger! When you take a deep breath, endorphins (feel better hormones) increase, your heart rate downshifts, increased oxygen is carried into your blood, and your brain gets the message that you're (essentially) safe. Reliable oxygen helps us relax. This helps us communicate safety to those around us. Kids cooperate more when they feel safe.
Limits are for you, not just your kids! Limits define our capacity—how much we can handle without freaking out—and structure our return to regulation. Kids need clear expectations to help them steer; parents need boundaries to not feel constantly overwhelmed. Kids need us to be regulated, so they can borrow our capacity and judgment. Limits alone won’t protect you from becoming dysregulated…but they’ll help you find your way back. Think of limits as the glowing strips of LED lights that shine the path to safety, so we don’t veer too far into chaos or rigidity. This middle path, say the authors of The Whole-Brain Child, is the definition of mental health; minding the boundaries of our “river of well-being” is how we find our way back when we’re flooded. Limits are lovely. They’re not just for kids. Limits keep YOU afloat, so you can provide safe harbor and help them recover when they run aground.
May you find the steady ground you need to be a lighthouse for your child. Shine, limit-keeper, shine!