What helps you catch your breath?
Our breathing is a pretty good barometer of how we're feeling. Is it shallow or deep? Coming in smooth or choppy? Our rhythm reflects our stress.
“The pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.”
- Rumi
After seven months at home ALL the days, it’s gotten tough to hold a big-picture perspective. I finally wandered out of my daily orbit for a few days on the Oregon Coast. I really underestimated how much I needed a break. My nervous system relaxed and released a palpable tension. It felt like my brain had been washed! Breathing, indeed, feels much better now.
Stress feels "stressful" because it floods us with intensity. When that intensity is prolonged, it zaps our attention + capacity to meet our basic needs. We lose track of how much fresh, oxygenated blood our brains need to think well and return us to calm. We forget to take breaks. I forget there are other foods beyond bread + cheese. Sleep gets all screwy.
Losing track of our own needs makes it WAY harder to help our kids.
With COVID & Co., there aren't a lot of built-in breaks. Many of our daily rhythms and structure have fallen away. And breathing room is tough to come by. Some days it feels like there's not enough oxygen for everyone in the room. That sense of scarcity is a clue that overwhelm is creeping in.
We have to seek out opportunities to rest + reset.
How can we hold more peace in our bodies more of the time? Even when things are hard. Even when we can’t get away?
I've been reflecting on how to make these moments of palpable relief more available...less fleeting. As much as it appeals, I can’t go to the beach every week. But I’m bringing back a few portable strategies to share.
4-square breathing
Inhale through your nose, silently count to 4
Hold the breath, count of 4
Exhale through your mouth, count of 4
Pause, count of 4
Repeat 3 times (4 total). I'll wait.
Let your breathing return to normal. You've got this.
Now that you’re thinking well and reconnected to yourself: Let’s set some limits…with children, co-workers, whomever you like. Because you have needs, too.
listen. limit. listen.
3-step limits: Listen. Limit. Listen.
Observe to determine what limit is needed. Breathe. Notice the other person’s posture, intensity, or lack of eye contact. Note the fussing, pleading, insistence ramping up. Theirs or yours? Breathe. Feel your feet on the ground. What is your goal? What do they need? Can you allow them space to continue, or is a limit needed?
Bring the Limit. A gentle “no, thanks,” may be all it takes. Tune into your gaze, voice, posture. Breathe. Can you move in closer, kneel down between bickering siblings, or put a hand on the book that’s about to be thrown? What if you interrupt with over-the-top humor—or an impromptu compliment? Can you try something different?
Expect pushback. Breathe through it. And hold the limit calmly. “I know, you hate brushing teeth, but it’s time.” "It is stinky, so let’s get it over with quick!” “That sounds like a real pickle. I can offer X in Y minutes.” “That would be fun this afternoon. Right now, task A needs our attention.”
2 walks a day: short ones, blast-the-hills hikes, dog training ambles...they all count. Movement does wonders for breaking up sluggish days, frustration, and stuck-ness. Moving brings your breath into a new rhythm.
One yoga mat. A few minutes. A few breaths.
I keep a yoga mat in my bedroom: I hop on it first thing in the morning for 5-7 minutes of gentle stretching. Just to get this stay-home party started.
I'm definitely struggling with how much to expect, from myself and my child during these wacky days. I figure, a few minutes of listening to my body is the least I can do. And some days it feels like the most I can possibly muster.
Today I'm not going to worry about it. I'm signing off here to take a walk on the beach. My kid and I will both feel better for it.
What will help you walk right up to the edge of the Earth (I like to think of beaches this way) and dangle your toes for a few minutes—instead of using all your might to hold back the inevitable waves?
The waves will keep coming.
Our power lies in giving ourselves space to bend at the knees, so we don’t get pushed over by every shift in turbulence. We can build our resilience one breath at a time. Even as the wind blows in our faces.
“There are always waves on the water. Sometimes they are big, sometimes they are small, and sometimes they are almost imperceptible. The water’s waves are churned up by the winds, which come and go and vary in direction and intensity, just as do the winds of stress and change in our lives, which stir up the waves in our minds.”