Big Behavior Needs an Outlet
Helping our kids engage and regulate through challenges is no small feat. Six essential tasks can help them get back on track.
Energy Flows in Channels: A goal of growing up is to accumulate tools + strategies to handle life. School is intended to present children with a series of increasing problems & opportunities, so they can put their growing skills to use. We can teach them to regulate with our help, at first, and modeling options to sooth themselves: breath, movement, fidgets, snuggles, food. This helps them notice what regulation looks and feels like in their bodies when they’re connected. This offers them a map to return back to us, and back to themselves.
Whole Brain Learning. Consider that a child who feels connected and regulated is in a better position to tolerate requests and take healthy risks. Taking good care of their bodies and emotions helps set them up for better learning. Snacks, morning exercise, GoNoodle—all help their brain + body connect to learning.
Be Kind to Their Developing Mind: Our brains grow bottom-up + inside-out. Body regulation is mapped in utero, so our relational brain can take priority during preschool + elementary years, and problem-solving + logic capacities can continue into young adulthood. We are their external regulators. They need our help to focus, manage transitions, and harness their working memory. We can’t expect them to navigate regulation independently. They need structure and help with breaks and time management; “independent” work time may need to be “co-working” with parents nearby.
Daily Rhythm: Organize your family energy around what matters most. Get clear on your values, goals, stabilizing routines, and things that bring you joy! These can help build a daily/weekly rhythm with space to show up for yourself + your child’s needs in sustainable ways. You can increase their stamina by making things as predictable as possible. Consider sensory regulation + physical outlets essential, not extra. Make transitions mindful + predictable. Front-load tasks requiring focus + attention by scheduling in physical movement and connection beforehand.
Outlets for Energy: Invite kids to connect with you and re-regulate their bodies several times a day through exercise (trampoline, foot races, hauling laundry baskets, raking leaves) or rough’n’tumble play. Look for ways your child is already trying to regulate themselves: spinning, crashing into furniture, chewing gum, twisting hair; these are brilliant sensory regulation strategies! When they run out of tried and true favorites, you can build a Break it Box! —> fill a cardboard box with things to break, stomp, crush, smash, twist & crumple —> paper towel/toilet paper tubes, egg cartons, bubble wrap, newspaper!
Managing Meltdowns: Help them off-load what they can’t handle on their own.
Talk less. Just say “I’m here” “I’ve got you” “this is hard;” save teachable moments for later
Special Time, 10min, every other day —> undivided attention, 1:1, let them lead
Prioritize your own support. Call a friend, journal, take a solo walk, make art, vent your frustration with someone besides your child. Your perspective and feelings matter; sharing and releasing them makes you more available for your kids.
High-contact physical play releases endorphins + organizes our senses. Belly laughter is a sign you’re on the right track!
Pause. Most behaviors are not an emergency. Lower your voice, soften your gaze, and breathe deeply. Maybe sit down on the floor. Check in with your own regulation before responding.
“We are our kids’ external regulators. They look to us to help them orient, anchor, and forge ahead.”